You couldn’t make it up. The start of the piece:

A beauty blogger has claimed she saves money on expensive cosmetics by using a friend’s semen as face cream – keeping it in her fridge.

Kelly Zolanski, 26, from New York, was first inspired to use the bodily fluid after seeing a video online about how much ‘nutrients and protein’ was in it and decided to give it a go for an all-natural glow.

The singleton coyly texted a friend and asked if he would be her supplier before sheepishly welcoming him into her home where he made a deposit into a tub in her bathroom.

Kelly mixes the gloopy natural product with moisturiser for a smoother application, conceding it goes ‘flakey’ as it dries and that it could be ‘hard to keep up the supply’ if you’re single.

In a clip, Kelly can be seen tapping the translucent cream onto her skin and commenting on its ‘illuminating’ effects, before noting it ‘smells weird but it’s good’.

Kelly’s video has now racked up more than 3.3million views on TikTok, with more than 299,300 likes and 11,800 comments.

‘It’s a cheap, homemade alternative to expensive brands,’ she explained.

‘I keep it in a jar in the fridge. I live alone so no one will need to see it when they’re making breakfast.

‘I came across a video on TikTok of this girl explaining how much nutrients and protein [semen] has in it and that some people use it for facials.

‘I’m single at the moment and called one of my friends. I called him on FaceTime and asked if he could give me some of his semen.

We can only hope the man is prepared to be the victim of paternity fraud.

---

Our last general election manifesto is here.

Our YouTube channel is here, our Facebook channel here, our Twitter channel here.

If everyone who read this gave us £5.00 – or even better, £5.00 or more, monthly – we could change the world. £5.00 monthly would entitle you to Bronze party membership, details here. Benefits include a dedicated and signed book by Mike Buchanan (more books for higher membership levels). Click below to make a difference. Thanks.

Nobody connected with J4MB has ever drawn any personal income from the party’s income streams. If you’d like to support Mike Buchanan personally, you can do so via his PayPal account (mb1957@hotmail.co.uk), his Patreon account or through Bitcoin, his account address is 1EfWxqDAtgJDCR3tVpvVj4fXSuUu4S9WJf . Thank you.