A piece in today’s Sunday Times:
A personal message from HRH Rod Liddle
After many months of reflection and deep internal discussion with myself, I have chosen to make a transition this year to start carving out a progressive new role with The Sunday Times. I intend to “step back” from writing anything whatsoever for the newspaper while still, of course, giving my full support to both the editor and the readers and being paid exactly the same as I am now.
When I say a “progressive new role” I mean one that will almost certainly involve large amounts of travel to agreeable places, plus a new home equipped with vegan wallpaper, a gender-neutral nursery, a Fiore di Cristallo kitchen with a kale juicer and top of the range steamer for pulses, and a hot tub in the garden for when the Kardashians come round. I will also require a retinue of simpering lackeys and burly, armed security guards who will kick the living crap out of anyone who looks at me when I’m out in public. Oh, and six nannies.
I will also require the services of a private jet, a helicopter and a fleet of Range Rovers, for those times when I suddenly wish to attend a summit in a Third World country about the terrible, devastating effects of climate change and what we, as deeply concerned individuals, can do to combat it.
It is to be hoped that, in time, I will become able to independently support myself. I understand that in the wider world it is not always the case that people who resign are still paid their entire salaries indefinitely. But I am confident that The Sunday Times will, like me, adopt a more progressive approach than is usual. The truth is that of the many wonderful things about working for such an august institution as The Sunday Times, the one I have always appreciated most is the money, and it would sadden me, and impinge on my extremely fragile mental health, if that were to somehow “stop” simply because I have ceased to work for it.
(“Progressive”, incidentally, in my vocabulary, means anything I want it to be. It could mean “enlightened”. Equally, it could mean “utterly stupid” or “transcendentally delusional”.)
As I have said, I have taken this decision after long thought. The truth is that while many of you have, over the years, given me great encouragement, some people still cavil at the columns I have written, even going so far as to disagree with them. As someone with an epic, overweening sense of entitlement who also possesses the sulky and petulant qualities — and, indeed, political opinions — of an overwrought 13-year-old child, this saddens me.
In future, then, my relationship with the media will be confined to its various branches being enjoined to publicise things I want them to publicise and otherwise keeping the hell away, or facing expensive and punitive legal action. This extends to ordinary members of the public, especially the lower classes with their mobile phones.
I will continue writing. You can see a selection of my work at my new website, www.rodinechochamber.com/wokeidiot. My latest article, on how one can defeat climate change simply by looking incredibly pleased with oneself and wearing an expensive polo shirt, is available online now.
I will also be devoting a considerable amount of time to my new “charitable entity”, full details of which I will reveal as soon as I get back from Courchevel. It’s no secret that I will be focusing on the terrible problems faced by transgender rainforests. The travails these marvellous trees confront, in being assigned a gender at their birth that they simply no longer feel is right, has too long been ignored by the mainstream media. I intend to put a stop to that, and also to world poverty, by the end of June 2021. George Clooney has said he will help.
I will be relocating, of course. I’ve had it with this mean-spirited reactionary dump. I have decided to move to Canada — a place so progressive that its prime minister once displayed his acute racial awareness by blacking up several times. There, I think, the people will come to love me. And if they don’t, I’ll go somewhere else.
So long and thanks for all the fish,
HRH Rod Liddle
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